Santa Claus
What does Santa call his wife on his income tax form?
A dependent Claus.
Cows
Where do cows like to go on a Saturday night?
To the MOO-vies.
Pizza
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Pizza.
Pizza who?
I'm gonna give her a pizza my mind!
Tourists
Tourist: Is that chin-strap to keep your helmet on?
Policeman: No, sir, it's to rest my jaw on after answering stupid questions.
Stupid
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Fathers
George: Is your father still in the hospital?
William: Yes. He's in the Expensive Care Unit.
Doctors
Doctor, Doctor, I flush a lot of the time.
Don't worry, it's just a chain reaction.
Humpty Dumpty
Why is it risky to tell funny jokes to Humpty Dumpty?
Because he might crack up.
Christmas Presents
What Christmas present do you give to a train driver?
Platform shoes.