Cats
Purranoia: the fear that your cats are plotting against you.
Mother-in-law
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your new mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new Mercedes.
Cars
Why can't a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
Like
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie one you like.
Married
'Are you married?'
'No, I've always been round-shouldered.'
Dogs
Sally: I've lost my dog.
Allie: Why don't you put an ad in the paper?
Sally: That wouldn't help. My dog can't read.
Teachers
School children march over new teachers
Ghosts
Where do ghosts go to get an education?
High sghoul.
Doctors
Patient: I feel like a sheet of music.
Doctor: Please wait a minute while I review your notes.