A decorator was painting a house and the owner came home to find the man rushing about like a mad thing with his brushes.
'Why are you working so fast?' he asked.
'Well, you see, sir, the paint's running low and I want to finish the job before it's all gone.'
An idiot was given the job of painting white lines down the middle of a road. On his first day he painted eight miles, on his second day he painted 3 miles, and on his third day he painted just one mile. The boss was not pleased. He asked him, "Why is it that you are painting less each day?"
"Because each day I get further away from the can of paint."
Here are some randomly selected joke topics
Cows
What do you get if you cross a cow and a duck?
Milk and quackers.
Varnish
How do you get rid of varnish?
Remove the 'r'.
Monkeys
What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells, jungle bells...
In Charge
A HUSBAND: The man who knows he is in charge, and has his wife's permission to say so.
Scottish
What is very smelly, and is spoken in the highlands of Scotland?
Garlic.
Driving
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be
Milk Shakes
Where do milk shakes come from?
Nervous cows.
Sorry
"Terribly sorry, but you've reached an answering machine."
Bird
Why was the bird wearing a wig?
Because it was a bald eagle.