A lady who was very lonely bought a parrot from a pet store, complete with cage. Before purchasing it she got a guarantee that the parrot would talk. She took the parrot home. In a week and a half she returned to the store very disappointed.
"The parrot doesn't talk."
"Did you buy a mirror?"
"No."
"Every parrot needs a mirror. "So she bought a mirror and installed it in the parrot's cage. Another week and a half went by and she returned.
"The parrot still doesn't talk."
"Did you buy a ladder?"
"No."
"Every parrot needs a ladder." So she bought a ladder and installed it in the cage. Another week and a half passed and she returned.
"The parrot still doesn't talk."
"Did you buy a swing?"
"No."
"Every parrot needs a swing. "So she bought a swing and installed it in the cage. A week and a half later she returned. She was furious!
The store owner asked, "Did the parrot talk?"
"No!, he died."
"Oh, that's terrible. But did he say anything before he died?"
"Yes.""What?"
"He gasped 'Don't they have any food down at that pet store?'"
Here are some randomly selected joke topics
Hotel
Hotel Porter: "May I carry your bag sir?"
Hotel Guest: "No that won't be necessary, my wife is perfectly capable of walking."
Dog Biscuits
What is the main ingredient of dog biscuits?
Collie flour.
Deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
Snowman
How did the snowman travel to work?
By icicle.
Mind
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Computers
How do you park a computer?
You back it up.
Pigs
Why did the pig have ink all over his face?
Because it came out of the pen.
Cows
What do you call a cow that likes to eat long grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Be Seeing You
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al be seeing you.