Marriage
Harry: My wife speaks through her nose.
Fred: Why does she do that?
Harry: Because she's worn her mouth out.
Consultants
Shall we bring in a consultant, or shall we screw it up ourselves?
Parrots
What do you get if you cross a very talkative parrot with an ape?
A blab-boon.
Motorists
Did you hear about the motorist on a tour of Scotland who went into a garage and asked them to fit his car with a set of Mull of Kin tyres?
Maths
Primary maths pupil's answer to question, 'take 9 from 246 as many times as possible': 'I did it fifty times and I always got 237.'
Pigs
What do you get if you cross a pig with a hedgehog?
A porkupine.
Moon
His solar panels are pointing at the moon.
Bees
What do you call a bee that is born in the month of May?
A maybee.
Gnomes
Where do gnomes go to to get fit?
To an elf farm.