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Joke Topic - 'Lawyers' - 88 Jokes and Funny Stories To Laugh At
'Why are all the blinds drawn?' exclaimed the lawyer as he awoke following surgery.
The doctor replied: 'There's a big fire across the street, and we were worried that you would think the operation was a failure.'
The doctor replied: 'There's a big fire across the street, and we were worried that you would think the operation was a failure.'
'You are an extremely expensive attorney!' Would you be willing to answer two questions for me if I were to give you $500?
'Absolutely! What's your second question?'
'Absolutely! What's your second question?'
A banker, an engineer, and a lawyer were going along a country road when their car unexpectedly broke down. When they noticed a farmhouse nearby, they decided to stop and ask if they might stay overnight while their vehicle was being fixed. "Sure," the farmer answered, "but one of you will have to sleep in the barn because I only have two spare beds." The engineer decided that he would sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the bedroom door. 'I can't sleep in the barn - there is a cow in the barn and I am Hindu.' So, the banker agreed to sleep in the barn. There was a tap at the door ten minutes later: 'I can't sleep in the barn - there is a pig, and I am Jewish.' The lawyer said, 'I know what you're up to, but I'll go', and so the lawyer went out of the barn. Sure enough, ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door - the cow and the pig.
A car was involved in an accident on a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered. A lawyer, anxious to make money from the accident, could not get near the car. Being such a smart guy, he started shouting, 'Let me through! Let me through! I'm the son of the victim.' The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A cartoon depicted two farmers squabbling over who should possess the cow. One was tugging on the cow's tail, while the other was tugging on its horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.
'If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.'
'It's in the judge's hands now,' said the lawyer.
'Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?'
'Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge.'
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, 'Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!'
'I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them.'
'But, I did send them.'
'What? You did?' said the lawyer, incredulously.
'Yes.That's how we won the case.'
'I don't understand,' said the lawyer.
'It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card.'
'If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.'
'It's in the judge's hands now,' said the lawyer.
'Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?'
'Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge.'
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, 'Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!'
'I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them.'
'But, I did send them.'
'What? You did?' said the lawyer, incredulously.
'Yes.That's how we won the case.'
'I don't understand,' said the lawyer.
'It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card.'
A famous lawyer died and surprisingly appeared at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter walked out to greet him, and as the Gates opened, the lawyer noticed a banner welcoming him, the first 457-year-old man. It left the attorney bewildered. I don't get it, he told St. Peter. I was 63 years old when I passed away, not 457. "Why, you must be 457 years old," St. Peter asked, his confusion plainly visible. You must be 457 hours long based on all the hours you billed your clients!
A guy strolled into a bar with his pet alligator and casually inquired, 'Hey, do you happen to serve lawyers in this joint?'
'Sure do,' replied the bartender.
'Good,' said the man. 'Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.'
'Sure do,' replied the bartender.
'Good,' said the man. 'Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.'
A lawyer and a blonde sit beside each other on a long flight from LA to NY. "Would you like to play a fun game with me?" the lawyer asks as he leans over to her. The blonde simply wants to sleep, so she politely refuses and moves to the window to catch a few zzzs.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and fun. He says, 'I ask you a question, and you pay me $5 if you don't know the answer, and vice versa.' She gently declines once more and makes an effort to go to sleep.
'Alright, if you don't know the answer, you give me $5. If I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!' the lawyer replies, now visibly irritated.
He figures he will easily win the game because she is blonde. This stimulates the blonde's interest, and she agrees to play the game, assuming that there will be no end to her suffering unless she does.
The lawyer starts by asking a question. "Just how far is it between Earth and the moon?" There is silence from the blonde as she takes out a five-dollar bill from her bag and gives it to the lawyer.
Now it's the turn of the blonde. She inquires of the lawyer, "What is it that ascends a hill with three legs and descends with four?" A confused look crosses the lawyer's face as he looks at her. He takes out his laptop and searches through all of his references. He connects to the Airphone via his modem and searches the Internet. He sends out e-mails to all of his coworkers and friends. All in vain. He wakes the blonde after more than an hour and gives her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
Somewhat annoyed, the lawyer wakes up the redhead and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
With a warm smile, the blonde quietly retrieves $5 from her purse and hands it to the lawyer before returning to her slumber.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and fun. He says, 'I ask you a question, and you pay me $5 if you don't know the answer, and vice versa.' She gently declines once more and makes an effort to go to sleep.
'Alright, if you don't know the answer, you give me $5. If I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!' the lawyer replies, now visibly irritated.
He figures he will easily win the game because she is blonde. This stimulates the blonde's interest, and she agrees to play the game, assuming that there will be no end to her suffering unless she does.
The lawyer starts by asking a question. "Just how far is it between Earth and the moon?" There is silence from the blonde as she takes out a five-dollar bill from her bag and gives it to the lawyer.
Now it's the turn of the blonde. She inquires of the lawyer, "What is it that ascends a hill with three legs and descends with four?" A confused look crosses the lawyer's face as he looks at her. He takes out his laptop and searches through all of his references. He connects to the Airphone via his modem and searches the Internet. He sends out e-mails to all of his coworkers and friends. All in vain. He wakes the blonde after more than an hour and gives her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
Somewhat annoyed, the lawyer wakes up the redhead and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
With a warm smile, the blonde quietly retrieves $5 from her purse and hands it to the lawyer before returning to her slumber.
A lawyer was driving down a country road when he saw a family in a field eating grass. He pulls over and asks them why they're doing that. One of the people says, 'We are so poor we can't afford food'. So the lawyer says, 'get in my car. I'll take you to my house.' 'Are you sure'? Asked one of the people, 'there are 6 of us'. 'Yes, get in the car,' said the lawyer. They all got in the car. When they were about to get to the lawyer's house, one of the people said, 'this is really great of you,' and the lawyer 'said no problem I have grass 6 feet tall'.
A lawyer, an accountant, and a housewife were all posed the same question: "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: 'Four!'.
"It could be three or four," the accountant says. Please allow me to run those numbers through my spreadsheet again.
With the blinds drawn and the lights turned down low, the attorney whispers, "How much do you want it to be?"
The housewife replies: 'Four!'.
"It could be three or four," the accountant says. Please allow me to run those numbers through my spreadsheet again.
With the blinds drawn and the lights turned down low, the attorney whispers, "How much do you want it to be?"
A man goes to his lawyer and says, 'I would like to write my will, but I don't know how to go about it.'
The lawyer replies, 'No problem, just leave it all to me.'
The man looks rather upset and exclaims, 'Well, I knew you'd take a slice of it, but I was hoping to leave a little to my children too!'
The lawyer replies, 'No problem, just leave it all to me.'
The man looks rather upset and exclaims, 'Well, I knew you'd take a slice of it, but I was hoping to leave a little to my children too!'