At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is a real disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say about anybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, and everybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators in the courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to his bench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there
eight hours.
Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but he'll bill you for five!
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
It was recently said that a lawyer was fishing in the Atlantic, when a
sudden swell threw him into the water. A school of man-eating sharks
immediately converged on him, but they lifted him out of the water, and
carefully swam him to the shore, where he waded out of the water. He
turned, and asked them why they had saved his life instead of eating him
alive. One of the sharks smiled, and said
"Professional Courtesy!"
It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands in their own pockets.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
pockets.
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but
business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the path. He decided to make
a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man
came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man
in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns
in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.
Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll
be handling the primary argument and the other members of my
team will provide support.
Tell the District Attorney that I'll meet with him next week to
discuss the details."
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while
the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put
down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay,
but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."