Home / Joke Topics Index / Joke Topics - L / Joke Topics - Lawyers / Lawyers - 2
Joke Topic - 'Lawyers' - Page 2 - With 12 More Jokes and Funny Stories
A man walks into an antique store and begins browsing through the merchandise. A small bronze sculpture of a rat catches his eye. For some reason, this curio fascinates him, and he decides that he has to have it. So he picks it up and walks over to the proprietor.
'How much for this?' he asks.
'I'd think twice about getting that if I were you. Everyone who's bought it before has come back the next day to return it,' says the proprietor.
'Why?'
'I don't know--but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it.'
The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item. He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home. As he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him. Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the path. 'That's odd', he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster. A few minutes later, he turns around again, and this time, there are 3 dozen rats following him! He begins to break into a trot. Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats! Now he's running as fast as he can. After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer and looks over his shoulder. Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him! Now, he begins to panic. He looks at the figurine in his hand, and it dawns on him what's going on. He changes direction and begins to make his way to the waterfront. When he reaches the harbour, he takes the figure and hurls it into the water. Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown!
The next day, the man returns to the antique shop. The owner is astonished to find him empty-handed.
'You didn't bring it back??' he inquires.
'No, I've got just one question. Do you have one that's shaped like a lawyer?'
5>'How much for this?' he asks.
'I'd think twice about getting that if I were you. Everyone who's bought it before has come back the next day to return it,' says the proprietor.
'Why?'
'I don't know--but they seem to be in an awful hurry to get rid of it.'
The customer thinks this over and finally decides to purchase the item. He walks out of the store and begins to make his way home. As he is walking down a dark alley, he hears a scuttling noise behind him. Quickly turning around, he sees two rats following him down the path. 'That's odd', he thinks to himself and begins to walk faster. A few minutes later, he turns around again, and this time, there are 3 dozen rats following him! He begins to break into a trot. Next time he turns around, there are 200 rats! Now he's running as fast as he can. After a couple of minutes, he can't stand the suspense any longer and looks over his shoulder. Thousands of rats, as far as the eye can see, are marching behind him! Now, he begins to panic. He looks at the figurine in his hand, and it dawns on him what's going on. He changes direction and begins to make his way to the waterfront. When he reaches the harbour, he takes the figure and hurls it into the water. Thousands of rats dive into the water after it and drown!
The next day, the man returns to the antique shop. The owner is astonished to find him empty-handed.
'You didn't bring it back??' he inquires.
'No, I've got just one question. Do you have one that's shaped like a lawyer?'
A man went to the Chamber of Commerce in a small town. Obviously distressed, he asked the man at the counter, 'Is there a criminal attorney in town?'
The man replied, 'Yes, but we can't prove it yet.'
3>The man replied, 'Yes, but we can't prove it yet.'
A prominent city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and the railroad company. A farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field which the railroad passed through. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case.
After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success. He said to the farmer, 'You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand.'
The old farmer replied, 'Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that durned cow came home this morning!'
5>After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success. He said to the farmer, 'You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand.'
The old farmer replied, 'Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that durned cow came home this morning!'
A small boy approached his father and inquired, "Dad?" Do lawyers ever tell the truth? The father contemplated for a bit. 'Yes, Son,' he said. 'Sometimes a lawyer would do everything to win a case.'
2>A woman and her young daughter were visiting the cemetery of the girl's grandma. On their way back to the car, the small girl inquired, 'Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?'.
'Of course not, dear.' replied the mother, 'Why would you think that?'
‘The tombstone back there stated 'Here rests a lawyer and an honest man.'
3>'Of course not, dear.' replied the mother, 'Why would you think that?'
‘The tombstone back there stated 'Here rests a lawyer and an honest man.'
After suffering through years of his wife's awful coffee, the man spat it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer.
Dropping it on the attorney's desk, the man growled, 'Here they are!'
'Here are what?' the startled lawyer asked.
'Grounds for Divorce.'
3>Dropping it on the attorney's desk, the man growled, 'Here they are!'
'Here are what?' the startled lawyer asked.
'Grounds for Divorce.'
An elderly gentleman lay on his deathbed. He really wanted to take all of his money with him. He reached out to his priest, doctor, and lawyer, summoning them to his bedside. 'I have $30,000 in cash for each of you to hold.' When the time comes, could you please make sure to place this in my coffin? I'd really appreciate it.
Every man placed an envelope inside the coffin during the funeral. As the limousine drove off, the priest unexpectedly burst into tears and admitted that he had only included $20,000 in the envelope. He explained that he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, given that we are confiding in one another," the doctor explained, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because the hospital needed a new machine, which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was stunned. "I'm embarrassed by both of you," he murmured. "I want it known that my personal check for the full $30,000 was inside that coffin when I placed my envelope inside."
5>Every man placed an envelope inside the coffin during the funeral. As the limousine drove off, the priest unexpectedly burst into tears and admitted that he had only included $20,000 in the envelope. He explained that he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, given that we are confiding in one another," the doctor explained, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because the hospital needed a new machine, which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was stunned. "I'm embarrassed by both of you," he murmured. "I want it known that my personal check for the full $30,000 was inside that coffin when I placed my envelope inside."
An emergency plumber was called to clear out a blocked pipe. That'll be $35, he told the homeowner after banging on the pipes for 15 minutes. The homeowner said, 'thirty five dollars!!!!- why thats $140 per hour!! I'm a lawyer and I only make $100 an hour!!'
The plumber replies, 'yeah, thats what I got when I was a lawyer.'
3>The plumber replies, 'yeah, thats what I got when I was a lawyer.'
At the start of an important trial, a small-town attorney called his first witness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
"Why, yes, Mr. Williams, I do know you," was her reply. You and I go back to when you were a young boy. I am extremely disappointed in you now. You deceive others, cheat on your spouse, and speak negatively about them behind their backs. You lack the intelligence to understand that you are nothing more than a two-bit paper pusher, even though you believe yourself to be a hotshot lawyer. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was taken aback. Uncertain about his next move, he gestured towards the other side of the room and inquired, 'Mrs. Williams, are you familiar with the defense attorney?'
She responded, 'Certainly, I am.' I have also been acquainted with Mr. Bradley since he was young. I used to provide childcare services for his parents. And he, too, is quite underwhelming. He lacks motivation, holds prejudiced views, rarely offers compliments, and indulges in alcohol excessively. He has gone through five divorces, and it is widely recognized that his law practice is one of the least reputable in the entire state.
The judge tapped his gavel to silence the courtroom audience. As soon as everyone fell silent, he summoned the two lawyers to his seat. He spoke in a low, threatening tone and threatened to throw them both in jail for contempt if they dared to ask her whether she knew him.
5>"Why, yes, Mr. Williams, I do know you," was her reply. You and I go back to when you were a young boy. I am extremely disappointed in you now. You deceive others, cheat on your spouse, and speak negatively about them behind their backs. You lack the intelligence to understand that you are nothing more than a two-bit paper pusher, even though you believe yourself to be a hotshot lawyer. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was taken aback. Uncertain about his next move, he gestured towards the other side of the room and inquired, 'Mrs. Williams, are you familiar with the defense attorney?'
She responded, 'Certainly, I am.' I have also been acquainted with Mr. Bradley since he was young. I used to provide childcare services for his parents. And he, too, is quite underwhelming. He lacks motivation, holds prejudiced views, rarely offers compliments, and indulges in alcohol excessively. He has gone through five divorces, and it is widely recognized that his law practice is one of the least reputable in the entire state.
The judge tapped his gavel to silence the courtroom audience. As soon as everyone fell silent, he summoned the two lawyers to his seat. He spoke in a low, threatening tone and threatened to throw them both in jail for contempt if they dared to ask her whether she knew him.
Did you hear about the lawyer who believed in reincarnation? He left everything to himself in his will.
2>Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You are charged as though you had spent eight hours in his office, even though you just spent eight minutes there.
2>You are charged as though you had spent eight hours in his office, even though you just spent eight minutes there.
Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
No.
Reply: Good!
1>No.
Reply: Good!