Mother-in-law
'I just bought my mother-in-law a Jaguar.'
'Cor - I thought you didn't like her.'
'I know what I'm doing, it's bitten her twice already.'
Hotels
The one good thing you can say about the food in our vacation hotel is that at least they're considerate enough to give you only small portions.
Robbery
What do you get if you cross a thief with an orchestra?
Robbery with violins.
Knock Knock
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Liz.
Liz who?
Liz see what you look like.
Daughters
Boy: Sir, I'd like your daughter for my wife.
Father: Can't she get one of her own?
Wives
Customer: I'd like a pair of stockings for my wife.
Storekeeper: Sheer?
Customer: No, she's at home.
Lightbulbs
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
(It's a very simple task.) None. 'It's a man's job.'
Dracula
What is Count Dracula's favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Bananas
Why did the banana visit the doctor?
It wasn't peeling well.