'Hello, I am actually home at the moment, but I really don't feel like listening to whatever your problem is. So, If you leave your name and number at the tone, when I feel like responding to your message, I will.'
Say, do you happen to know Lincoln's Gettysburg Address?
No, I didn't even know he had moved home.
What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire, and a divorce have in common?
They are four ways you can lose your home.
Boyfriends
Mary: My boyfriend has a wonderful personality.
Jane: My boyfriend is not good-looking either.
Beer
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys TWO cases of beer.
Strawberries
Why did the strawberry hire a lawyer?
Because it was in a jam.
Executives
How many advertising executives does it take to change a light bulb?
That's an interesting question. What do you think?
Computers
I haven't lost my mind. It's backed up on tape somewhere.
Zombies
What do you call a zombie who has a bell?
A dead ringer.
Snakes
What do you call a snake that becomes a Canadian law officer?
Mountie Python.
Christmas
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Rapture.
Rapture who?
Rapture Christmas presents yet?
Idiots
Did you hear about the idiot who called both his sons Ed?
He thought two eds were better than one.