A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran towards the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
The Scotsman smiled and said,
"Ye can keep the damn egg!!"
Here are some randomly selected joke topics
Sherlock Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were having a rest in their hotel room when suddenly a tree walked in.
"Elm entry, my Dear Watson," said Holmes.
Cows
What do you get from pampered cows?
Spoiled milk.
Human
To err is human to really foul things up requires a computer.
Be Yourself
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Christmas
What are gnomes the most afraid of at Christmas?
That Father Christmas will give them the sack.
Sings
What is green and sings in the garden?
Elvis Parsley.
Father Christmas
Where does Father Christmas stay when he takes a vacation?
In a ho ho hotel.
Boyfriend
Jane: My boyfriend's name should be Puzzle.
Julie: Why?
Jane: Because sometimes I just can't figure him out.
Elections
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alec.
Alec who?
An election is held about every four years.