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Joke Topic - 'Golf'


Here are 37 jokes on the topic - 'Golf'.

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"Charlie, why don't you play golf with Ted any more?" Charlie's wife asked.
"Would you play golf with a chap who moved the ball with his foot when he thought you weren't watching?" Charlie replied.
"Well, no," admitted his wife.
"And neither will Ted," replied the dejected husband.
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"How should I have played that last shot?" the bad golfer asked his caddy.
"Under an assumed name."
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A golfer comes home from the course and is greeted by his wife, who asks, "How well did you golf today?"
"Well, I didn't win, but I did get a lot of practice. I got to hit the ball more times than anyone else!"
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A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
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A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."
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A lovely afternoon finds a man and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn. With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."
He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific "whack"! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.
Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.
"What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green."
"No," the man replies, "last time I did that I got two over par."
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A man and his wife were watching golf on TV and the sound on the commentary was rather low. The woman went to turn it up. 'Ssh,' said the husband, 'ssh. Not while he's putting.'
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A man is about to be married and is waiting outside the church with his bride-to-be. Beside them are his golf clubs.
His bride asks him, "Why have you brought your golf clubs to the church on our wedding day?"
The groom replied, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
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A man is getting married and is standing beside his bride in the church. Next to him are his golf clubs and bag.
His bride whispers, "Why have you brought your golf clubs?"
The groom replies, "Well, this isn’t going to take all day, is it?"
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A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.
"Well it's like this Doc, whenever I play golf, I fall in love with the beautiful, lush fairways and greens we are playing on, and I just burst into song."
"What's wrong with that?" said the doc.
Well all I ever sing when we're on the course is 'The Green Green Grass of Home' and it's annoying my colleagues.
But there's more .... When we get back to the clubhouse, in the bar is the lucky black cat that lives at the club, then at the top of my voice I start singing" 'What's new, pussy cat?' and all I get is a barrage of complaints from the other members in the bar.
"Can't you sing some different songs?" said the doctor.
"Well no, I just can't seem to sing anything else, but then it gets worse because when I get home, it continues and when I'm asleep and dreaming, I always sing 'Delilah', and my wife is increasingly getting really angry and suspicious. But I just can't seem to stop singing these same songs".
"Ah, yes I see, I am beginning to suspect that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome".
"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man.
"It's not unusual", replied the doctor.

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