Dogs
What's the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog?
One wears a suit, and the other just pants.
Vampires
What do you get if you cross a vampire with some peanut butter?
A vampire that sticks to the roof of your mouth!
Books
Bill: I just finished my first book.
Joe: Well done.
Bill: Thanks. Next year, I'm planning to read another one.
Trains
What do you call a train loaded with toffee?
A chew chew train.
Christmas
What do you call a man who works in the perfume department of a store at Christmas?
Frank in Scents.
Having A Bad Day
You know you're having a bad day when - Your income tax refund check bounces.
Men
What's the best way for a woman to get rid of excess fat?
Divorce him.
Intelligence
Is there intelligent life on earth? Yes, but I'm only visiting
Mosquitoes
What do you get if you cross a mosquito and a knight of the Round Table?
A bite in shining armour.