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Joke Topic - 'Doctors' - 141 Jokes and Funny Stories To Laugh At
'Doctor, doctor, I keep stealing things. Can you give me something for it?'
'Try these pills. And if they don't work, bring me back a DVD player.'
2>'Try these pills. And if they don't work, bring me back a DVD player.'
'Doctor, doctor, I think I must be invisible. Everyone ignores me.'
' Next, please.'
1>' Next, please.'
'Doctor, doctor, I've just swallowed the film from my camera.'
' Well, let's hope nothing develops.'
2>' Well, let's hope nothing develops.'
'Doctor, doctor, little Jimmy has a saucepan stuck on his head. Whatever shall I do?'
'Don't worry, you can borrow one of mine. I'm going out for dinner.'
2>'Don't worry, you can borrow one of mine. I'm going out for dinner.'
'I get a sharp pain in my nose every time I drink a cup of coffee.
'Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup?'
2>'Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup?'
A boy called the doctor..
'Doctor, doctor, come quickly; my little brother has just swallowed my pen.' '
' I'll be right over - what are you doing in the meantime?'
' I'm using a pencil...'
3>'Doctor, doctor, come quickly; my little brother has just swallowed my pen.' '
' I'll be right over - what are you doing in the meantime?'
' I'm using a pencil...'
A man visited his doctor to find out why he had been having such severe headaches. So the doctor ran some tests and, after a few hours, called the man into his office. 'I have some terrible news,' he told the patient. 'I'm afraid your condition is terminal.' 'Oh no!' the man wailed. 'How long do I have?' 'Ten ...' began the doctor. 'Ten what?' the patient interrupted. 'Days? Months? Years?' 'Nine,' said the doctor, 'eight, seven, six...'
3>A man walked through the door and said, 'Doctor! Doctor! I think I've gone blind!' and the other man said, 'You surely have, mate, this is a restaurant.'
2>A man walks into the doctor; he says, 'Doctor, I think I'm a moth.' The doctor replies, 'Well, I think you need a psychiatrist, not a doctor; why did you come to me?'
' Well,' then the man replies, 'I was walking past your surgery, and your light was on.'
3>' Well,' then the man replies, 'I was walking past your surgery, and your light was on.'
A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.
'Well, it's like this, Doc, whenever I play golf, I fall in love with the beautiful, lush fairways and greens we are playing on. I just burst into song.'
'What's wrong with that?' said the doc.
Well all I ever sing when we're on the course is 'The Green Green Grass of Home' and it's annoying my colleagues.
But there's more. When we get back to the clubhouse, in the bar is the lucky black cat that lives at the club; then, at the top of my voice, I start singing, 'What's new, pussy cat?' and all I get is a barrage of complaints from the other members in the bar.
'Can't you sing some different songs?' said the doctor.
'Well no, I just can't seem to sing anything else. Still, then it gets worse because when I get home, it continues. When I'm asleep and dreaming, I always sing 'Delilah,' and my wife is increasingly getting really angry and suspicious. But I just can't stop singing these same songs'.
'Ah, yes, I see; I am beginning to suspect that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Well, I've never heard of that, is it common?' asked the man.
'It's not unusual', replied the doctor.
5>'Well, it's like this, Doc, whenever I play golf, I fall in love with the beautiful, lush fairways and greens we are playing on. I just burst into song.'
'What's wrong with that?' said the doc.
Well all I ever sing when we're on the course is 'The Green Green Grass of Home' and it's annoying my colleagues.
But there's more. When we get back to the clubhouse, in the bar is the lucky black cat that lives at the club; then, at the top of my voice, I start singing, 'What's new, pussy cat?' and all I get is a barrage of complaints from the other members in the bar.
'Can't you sing some different songs?' said the doctor.
'Well no, I just can't seem to sing anything else. Still, then it gets worse because when I get home, it continues. When I'm asleep and dreaming, I always sing 'Delilah,' and my wife is increasingly getting really angry and suspicious. But I just can't stop singing these same songs'.
'Ah, yes, I see; I am beginning to suspect that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Well, I've never heard of that, is it common?' asked the man.
'It's not unusual', replied the doctor.
A man went to the doctor's with some airgun pellets in his bottom. The doctor said, 'You'll have to go into hospital with that. Your wife'll miss you.'
The man said, 'She didn't miss me this morning.'
3>The man said, 'She didn't miss me this morning.'
An elderly gentleman lay on his deathbed. He really wanted to take all of his money with him. He reached out to his priest, doctor, and lawyer, summoning them to his bedside. 'I have $30,000 in cash for each of you to hold.' When the time comes, could you please make sure to place this in my coffin? I'd really appreciate it.
Every man placed an envelope inside the coffin during the funeral. As the limousine drove off, the priest unexpectedly burst into tears and admitted that he had only included $20,000 in the envelope. He explained that he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, given that we are confiding in one another," the doctor explained, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because the hospital needed a new machine, which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was stunned. "I'm embarrassed by both of you," he murmured. "I want it known that my personal check for the full $30,000 was inside that coffin when I placed my envelope inside."
5>Every man placed an envelope inside the coffin during the funeral. As the limousine drove off, the priest unexpectedly burst into tears and admitted that he had only included $20,000 in the envelope. He explained that he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, given that we are confiding in one another," the doctor explained, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because the hospital needed a new machine, which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was stunned. "I'm embarrassed by both of you," he murmured. "I want it known that my personal check for the full $30,000 was inside that coffin when I placed my envelope inside."