Scientists
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Clocks
I heard something this morning that really made me open my eyes.
What was it?
My alarm clock.
Fathers
What do you call a man whose father was a revolver?
A son of a gun!
Birthdays
For weeks I've been telling you not to buy anything for my birthday and yet you still forgot to bring me something.
Birthdays
How many birthdays does the average man have?
Only one. When he was born.
Girlfriends
My girlfriend just saved me a lot of money - she married someone else.
Parrots
What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after taking a bath?
Polly unsaturated.
Ghosts
When do ghosts like to play tricks on each other?
On April Ghoul's Day.
Teachers
l thought I might become a history teacher when I grew up, but then I realized there was no future in it.