Home / Joke Topics Index / Joke Topics - C / Joke Topics - Christmas / Christmas - 3
Joke Topic - 'Christmas' - Page 3 - With 12 More Jokes and Funny Stories
This is page 3 of jokes on the topic - 'Christmas'.
Santa's New Contract For 2000 A new contract for Santa has been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I can no longer serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now only serve certain Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan areas. Additionally, it's worth noting that I am allotted longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I have full confidence that your children will be well taken care of by your local replacement, who coincidentally is my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His family hails from the South Pole. He and I have a common goal of delivering toys to well-behaved children, but a few distinctions set us apart.
They are as follows:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, 'This sleigh is insured by Smith & Wesson.'
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers children to leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer once, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear 'On Comet, on Cupid...' when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you will hear 'On Earnhardt, Wallace, Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, Jarrett, Elliot and Petty.'
5. 'Ho, Ho, Ho!' has been swapped with 'Yee Haw!' And you might even hear Bubba's elves say, 'I heard dat!'
6. As Southern highway laws require, Bubba Claus' sleigh has Yosemite Sam mud flaps with the words 'Back Off.' The last I heard, it has other decorations as well. One is a Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters, and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as 'Miracle on 34th Street' and 'It's a Wonderful Life' will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead, you will see 'Ernest Saves Christmas' and 'Smoky and the Bandit IV' featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure that you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put the presents under the tree.
9. Don't look for the traditional stocking items this year, either. Instead of chocolates and candy canes, children in the South can expect to find beef jerky, Vienna sausages, and a can of Spam.
10. Bubba Claus's elves will assemble toys in his Freedom Homes doublewide workshop.
11. And finally, lovely Christmas songs such as 'Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer' and 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' will be replaced. 'Bubba Shot the Jukebox' and 'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer' will be played repeatedly on radio stations all over the South.
Sincerely yours, Santa Claus
5>I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I can no longer serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now only serve certain Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan areas. Additionally, it's worth noting that I am allotted longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I have full confidence that your children will be well taken care of by your local replacement, who coincidentally is my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His family hails from the South Pole. He and I have a common goal of delivering toys to well-behaved children, but a few distinctions set us apart.
They are as follows:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, 'This sleigh is insured by Smith & Wesson.'
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers children to leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer once, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear 'On Comet, on Cupid...' when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you will hear 'On Earnhardt, Wallace, Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, Jarrett, Elliot and Petty.'
5. 'Ho, Ho, Ho!' has been swapped with 'Yee Haw!' And you might even hear Bubba's elves say, 'I heard dat!'
6. As Southern highway laws require, Bubba Claus' sleigh has Yosemite Sam mud flaps with the words 'Back Off.' The last I heard, it has other decorations as well. One is a Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters, and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as 'Miracle on 34th Street' and 'It's a Wonderful Life' will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead, you will see 'Ernest Saves Christmas' and 'Smoky and the Bandit IV' featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure that you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put the presents under the tree.
9. Don't look for the traditional stocking items this year, either. Instead of chocolates and candy canes, children in the South can expect to find beef jerky, Vienna sausages, and a can of Spam.
10. Bubba Claus's elves will assemble toys in his Freedom Homes doublewide workshop.
11. And finally, lovely Christmas songs such as 'Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer' and 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' will be replaced. 'Bubba Shot the Jukebox' and 'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer' will be played repeatedly on radio stations all over the South.
Sincerely yours, Santa Claus
The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year, they predicted the year's general luck and overall mood by watching the gnu. A successful, joyous year would happen if the gnu's ears were forward. But an unlucky or unhappy year would surely come if his ears were flat against his head. One year later, it was young Mary's turn to survey the animal and make a prediction. She had never gone alone before and was so excited that she forgot to bring the cage key. Her arrival to check on the gnu was delayed. She saw the incorrect ear position, so to speak, and foresaw a difficult year when, in reality, it was pretty favorable. A year later, the local newspaper ran the headline to clarify the error: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!
4>The Federal Aviation Administration pays Santa Claus frequent visits, just like it does for all pilots, and this past week, the FAA examiner came for the pre-Christmas flight check. Santa had the elves bathe all the reindeer and wash the sled in readiness. Santa checked that his documentation was in order and pulled up his logbook. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the test ride. Santa entered, fastened his seat belt and shoulder strap, and checked the compass. The examiner then entered, armed with a shotgun, much to Santa's amazement.
'What's that for?!?' asked Santa incredulously. "You're going to lose an engine on takeoff," the examiner remarked, winking, leaning down to whisper in Santa's ear. "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time."
5>'What's that for?!?' asked Santa incredulously. "You're going to lose an engine on takeoff," the examiner remarked, winking, leaning down to whisper in Santa's ear. "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time."
The most sadistic Christmas present I ever heard of was a down payment on a Rolls-Royce. (think about it)
2>Two idiots walked deep into a forest searching for a Christmas tree. After spending hours in the deep snow and biting wind, one idiot turned to the other and said, 'I'm going to chop down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!'
3>What are gnomes the most afraid of at Christmas?
That Father Christmas will give them the sack.
2>That Father Christmas will give them the sack.
What carol do elephants like to sing at Christmas?
Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants...
1>Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants...
What Christmas song does Tarzan always sing?
Jungle Bells.
1>Jungle Bells.
What did Adam say on December 24th?
It's Christmas, Eve.
1>It's Christmas, Eve.
What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
1>We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
What did the snowman and his wife hang over their baby's crib?
A snowmobile.
1>A snowmobile.
What do male sheep sing at Christmas?
Ewele-tide Carols!
1>Ewele-tide Carols!