Joe bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend said, 'I thought she wanted a Mercedes sports car.'
' She did,' he replied. 'But where would I find a fake one of those?'
Joe: Did you get many Christmas presents?
Jack: I sure did. A lot more than my four brothers.
Joe: Why was that?
Jack: On Christmas morning, I got up two hours before them.
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer, and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened, they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
Santa, of course, because the other two don't exist!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas, ho, ho ho.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Raptor.
Raptor who?
Raptor presents before Christmas.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Rapture.
Rapture who?
Rapture Christmas presents yet?
Mum, can I please have a dog for Christmas?
No, you will have turkey like everyone else!
Never mind the star - get those camels off my lawn!
Once upon a time, a powerful czar in Russia was known as Rudolph the Red. He gazed out the windows of his palace, lost in thought, as his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby, engrossed in her knitting. He turned to her and exclaimed, 'Oh, my dear, it's starting to rain!' She casually responded, 'It's too cold to rain,' without lifting her gaze from her knitting. It seems like it's sleeting. 'I am the Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear,' the Czar stated with a shake of his head.
Politics is the art of making it sound as if Father Christmas comes earlier in the year.
Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet. He says to the vet, 'Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won't light up.' The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier. The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps, 350 dollars! What did you do for my Rudolph that justifies a $350 charge? The vet calmly responded, 'That's the standard fee.' The office visit will cost $50, while the CAT SCAN will be $300.

Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm, and he had heard that the people were friendly. When he arrived in town, people began to point and say, 'Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?' Santa thought, 'Gee, I'll never get any rest if people ask to sit on my lap and try to tell me what they want.' So he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. 'No one will know me now-- I look just like everyone else!' He thought happily. As soon as Santa started walking down the street, people pointed and said, 'Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!' Santa rushed around a corner to hide. 'It's my beard!' he thought. 'They recognize me because of my long white beard!' So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. 'I look like everybody else now!' Santa thought. So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face. Suddenly a man shouted, 'It's him! It's him! Look, everybody!' Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa approached the man and asked, 'How did you recognize me?' The man looked at Santa and said, 'You? I don't know you - but isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you, Rudolph?'