Waiters
Waiter, waiter, there's a fly swimming around in my soup.'
'No, sir. Actually, that's the chef. The last customer was a witch doctor.'
Noses
How do you stop your nose running?
Hide its trainers.
Athletes
What do elves get if athletes get athlete's foot?
Mistle-toes.
Thieves
My credit card was stolen last Friday, but I decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than my wife.
Soccer
What do you get if you cross a football team with ice cream?
Aston vanilla.
Fathers
George: Is your father still in the hospital?
William: Yes. He's in the Expensive Care Unit.
Cannibals
What do cannibals eat for breakfast?
Buttered host.
Zebras
Why was the zebra made leader of the animal army?
Because he was the one with the most stripes.
Christmas
What carol do elephants like to sing at Christmas?
Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants...