Joke Topic - 'Celebrate'

You know you're having a bad day when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

"It's gone forever - gone forever I tell you."
"What has?"
"Yesterday."

What did the dog say when he sat on a piece of sandpaper?
Ruff.

What do you call a musician who's girlfriend has just dumped him?
Homeless.

Hypochondriacs make me sick

I heard something this morning that really made me open my eyes.
What was it?
My alarm clock.

What do you call a piece of jewelry that has been lost in the long grass on a golf course?
A diamond in the rough.

What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.

This bloke said to my brother, 'My trouble is I keep thinking I'm a strawberry.'
My brother said, 'You're in a jam then aren't you.'