He's a few currents short of a fruit cake.
In the middle of the night, a woman woke her husband with urgent news. She whispered, 'There's someone downstairs in the kitchen, helping themselves to the cake your mother baked for us.'
The husband said, 'Who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?'
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Guthrie.
Guthrie who?
Guthrie cream cakes in my hand.
My wife is a great lover - of cream cakes.
This tramp came to our house asking for food. My mum said, 'I think I'll offer him one of my rock cakes.'
My dad said, 'What harm has he ever done you?'
What did the cookie say to the unhappy cake?
'Hey, what's eating you?'
Airlines
The attendant at the Airlines check-in desk asked the passenger, "Window or Aisle?"
The passenger replied, "Window or you'll what?"
Money
Why is money called dough?
Because we are all in knead of it.
Knock Knock
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Major.
Major who?
Major mind up to open the door yet?
Computer Programmers
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Violins
What did the violin say to the harp?
May I string along with you?
Waiters
Waiter, waiter, do you have frogs' legs?'
'Yes, sir.'
'Well, hop over the counter and get me a sandwich.'
French
Why do French people eat snails?
Because they don't like fast food.
Success
If, at first, you don't succeed, have you considered becoming a personnel officer?
Waiters
Waiter, waiter, what do you recommend for my lunch?
For you, sir, I would recommend a diet.