A kindly old lady saw a little boy sitting on the pavement, crying his eyes out. 'What's the matter?' she asked.
'It's my birthday!' he exclaimed. 'I received a bicycle and a PlayStation, and later today, there will be a party with snacks, dessert, and a disco to follow.' He had to pause his speech as tears overwhelmed him.
'But that's lovely,' said the old lady. 'So why are you crying?'
'Because I'm lost!'
Bill gave his wife a real surprise on her birthday. He remembered it.
Bill: Today is my wife's birthday.
Phil: What are you getting for her?
Bill: Make me an offer!
For weeks I've been telling you not to buy anything for my birthday and yet you still forgot to bring me something.
He really surprised her on her birthday.
He remembered it.
How does Moby Dick celebrate his birthday?
By having a whale of a party.
How many birthdays does the average man have?
Only one. When he was born.
Husband: 'Your birthday is coming up, so I'd like some idea of what you'd like for your birthday.'
Wife: 'I want a divorce!'
Pause.
Husband: 'I'm really sorry, but I hadn't planned to spend that much.'
I used to hate my brother when we were kids. One year, my mum said, 'Do you know it's his birthday tomorrow?'
I said, 'Thanks for telling me I'll give him my whooping cough.'
It was Hamish's birthday, and he offered his friend, Hector, a really tiny glass of whiskey to celebrate.
'There you are, Hector. That's a 15-year-old malt whiskey.'
'ls it now?' said Hector, looking at the minuscule measure. 'It's very small for its age!'
Ted: My birthday is coming soon. Do you know what I need?
Tim: Yes, I know what you need, but how do you gift-wrap a life?
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep. 'Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am,' he said politely, 'but every morning, I pass your house on my way to work and couldn't help noticing that every day you hit your husband on the head with a loaf of bread.'
'That's right.'
'Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.'
'Well, today is his birthday.'