I keep trying to write a song about drinking, but I just can't get past the first few bars.
I'm watching my drinking, so now I only visit bars that have mirrors on the walls.
One day, a blonde sat in a bar next to a redhead. They were sitting there having a good time, and the news was turned on.
The woman reporter shouted, 'A man is at the edge of a cliff, and he is planning to jump!'. Then the redhead leans over to the blonde and whispers in her ear, 'I bet you $50 that the man will jump!' The blonde responds, 'That's a bet you have there!'.
So, both women stared at the news waiting to know what would happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the redhead and hands her the $50. The redhead, feeling guilty, said, 'I can't take your money. I saw the news earlier this morning; I knew he was going to jump off that cliff.'
And the blonde says, 'Well, I did too! But I never would have thought the man would do it again!'
Since his wife was angry that he spent too much time in the pub, he took her there one night. He asked, "What would you like?" "I don't know," she said. "I guess the same as you," she answered. The husband then ordered two beers. When they came, he drank his down in one go. His wife took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. 'Yuck, that tastes horrible! I don't know how you can drink this ghastly stuff night after night.'
'Well, there you go,' cried the husband. 'And you thought I was out enjoying myself every night!'
The man who goes into a bar very optimistically usually leaves it very misty optically.
These two strings were walking down the road when they came to a bar. They decided to stop in and have a few drinks. So they sat down at a table and noticed that they were not going to be served. So the first string said that he would go up to the bar and get a couple of beers.
First string: Hey, bartender, how about a couple of beers?
Bar tender: Sorry, but we don't serve strings here.
So the first string returned to the table and informed the second string of the problem. The second string said, 'No problem, I'll take care of this.'
So the second string stood up, Frazzeled his ends a bit and tied himself into a knot. He then walked up to the bar..
Second string: Hey bartender, how about a couple of beers?
Bar tender: Hey, aren't you a string?
Second string: I'm a frayed knot. They got the beers.
This guy walks into a bar carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender, 'I'll have a Scotch and Soda.'
Then the crocodile says 'And I'll have a Whiskey Sour.'
The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps 'That's incredible I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!'
And the guy says 'He can't the chicken is a ventriloquist.'
This guy walks into a bar for the first time, and he's sitting around drinking. Some of the old-timers tell jokes. One of them says, 'Seventeen,' and the other old-timers all roar with laughter. A little later, another of 'em says 'Thirty-Two,' and again, they all laugh and holler. Well, the new guy can't figure out what's going on, so he asks one of the locals next to him, 'What're these old-timers doin'?' The local says, 'Well, they've been hangin' around together so long they all know all the same jokes, so to save extra talkin', they've given 'em all numbers.' The new fellow says, 'That's mighty clever! I think I'll try that.' So he stands up and says in a loud voice, 'Nineteen!' Silence. Everybody just looks at him, but nobody laughs. Embarrassed, he sits down again and asks the local fellow, 'What happened? Why didn't anyone laugh?' The local says, 'Well, son, ya just didn't tell it right...'
Two fonts walk into a bar. The barman says to them, 'Get out. We don't serve your type in here.'
Two television sets walk into a bar, and the barman says, 'Sorry, but we don't serve your kind in this bar'.
One television turns to the other and says, 'I thought that we'd get a better reception than this in here'.
What do you call a woman who goes into a bar and starts to juggle with the drinks?
Beatrix (beer tricks).