A man walks into a bar and asks the barman, 'Was I in here last night?'
'You certainly were,' replies the barman.
'And did I spend a lot of money?'
'You spent over £100', replies the barman.
'Thank god for that,' says the man, 'I thought I'd wasted it.'
A polar bear walks in to a bar and says to the barman. "I'll have a Gin and..........................tonic."
"Why the big pause?" replies the barman. The Polar bear looks down at this hands and says
"What do you mean, I've always had them."
Two television sets walk into a bar and the barman says "sorry, but we don't serve your kind in this bar".
One television turns to the other and says "I thought that we'd get a better reception than this in here".
Here are some randomly selected joke topics
Ghost
What do you get if you cross a ghost with a packet of potato chips?
Snacks that go crunch in the night.
Husbands
Many a poor husband was once a rich bachelor.
Golf
Waiter: What will you have, sir?
Golfer: A club sandwich please.
Elephants
What do you call an elephant that fails his maths exam?
Dumbo.
Business
Knock knock.
Who's there?
It's Nana.
It's Nana who?
It's Nana your business.
Lawyers
Q: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
A: No.
Reply: Good!
School
Piano teacher to pupil: Your fingers are absolutely filthy!
Pupil: That's all right, Miss, I'm only playing the black keys.
Going
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Weirdo.
Weirdo who?
Weirdo you think you're going?
Light Bulbs
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just define darkness as an industry standard.