A barber nicked a customer rather badly while giving him a shave. Hoping to make amends, the barber asked, 'Do you want your head wrapped in a towel?'
'No thanks,' replied the customer. I'll carry it home under my arm!'
How does a barber cut the moon's hair?
Eclipse it.
Johnny wanted to look suave for the local dance, so he slipped into the local barbershop. 'I want a Tony Curtis haircut.'
So Taffy started trimming around the back with the clippers. Then he started going higher and higher with them till Johnny started to get a bit worried. But like most barbers, this one had verbal diarrhea and was yapping nonstop about movies and movie stars. 'Yeah, I like Tony Curtis too.' as he trimmed up and over Johnny's ears. 'Wasn't he great in 'The King and I'?'
What do you call a barber who cuts hair in a library?
A barbarian!!
Why do ex-barbers make such good parcel delivery drivers?
They know all the shortcuts.
Kings
Which famous English King invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Vegetables
What type of vegetables do plumbers fix?
Leeks.
Airplanes
What do you get if you cross an aeroplane with a Cornish pasty?
Pie in the sky.
Vacations
What do Paddington Bear and Winnie The Pooh pack when they go on vacation?
The bear essentials.
Football
Billy: I can't believe I just missed that open goal. I could kick myself.
Johnny: Don't bother, you'd probably miss.
Bees
What goes 'zzub, zzub'?
A bee flying backward.
Moon
What do you call tiny bugs that live on the moon?
Luna ticks!
Speaking
'Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?'
Intelligence
Did you hear about the extremely intelligent monster?
He was called Frank Einstein.