A guy runs in a bar and he asks the bartender for 24 shots of his finest whisky. When the bartender has poured the shots the guy drinks them down as fast as possible. The bartender says "wow I've never seen anyone drink that fast before" and the guy says "You would to if you had what I had" and the bartender says "What is it you have?" And the guy says "25 cents" and runs out of the bar.
A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw
this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?" "That's not a pig,
stupid!" she said coldly."That's a duck." "I know," replied the drunk. "I was
talking to the duck."
An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman went into a bar. The Englishman stood a round of drinks, the Irishman stood a round of drinks and the Scotsman stood around.
Here are some randomly selected joke topics
Keep
What can you keep even though you have given it to someone?
Your word.
Cats
My friend says that you can speak in cat language. Is it true?
Me - how?
Wife
My wife is a great lover - of cream cakes.
Bad Luck
Is it bad luck to be superstitious?
Quasimodo
How did Quasimodo know the end was near?
He had a hunch.
Witches
My brother saw a witch riding on a broomstick. He said, 'What are you doing on that?'
The witch said, 'My best friend's got the vacuum cleaner.'
Apartments
Nan: How do you like your new studio apartment?
Dan: I have no room for complaint.
Knock Knock
Knock, knock.
Who's there!
Ben Hur who?
Ben Hur for over an hour - let me in!
Bees
What do you call a bee which is born in the month of May?
A maybee.