Accountants
Tom: What do you do for a living?
Jack: I work with figures.
Tom: You're an accountant?
Jack: No. A fitness instructor.
Prunes
Did you hear about the man who stole a truckload of prunes?
He's been on the run for the last month.
Promises
Did you hear what happened to the tub of butter?
If I tell you about it, you need to promise not to spread it around.
Rabbits
What do you call a rabbit who is really cool?
A hip hopper.
Waiters
Waiter, waiter, this food is terrible. Bring me the manager.
I'm sorry, sir. He won't eat it either.
Hippies
What do you call a hippy's wife?
Mississippi.
Birds
My uncle said, 'I've got this woodpecker with no beak. What shall I call him?'
I said, 'A headbanger.
Cows
What do you call a cow that just had a calf?
Decalfinated!
Pigs
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a bunch of flowers?
It was Valenswine's Day!