Shopping
Why does a woman say she's been shopping even when she hasn't bought a thing?
Bus Drivers
How many BUS DRIVERS does it take to change a light bulb?
You've got to be joking - they won't even change a five-pound note.
Detectives
What do you get if you cross a famous English detective with a skeleton?
Sherlock Bones.
Drunks
I'm not a steady drinker - my hand shakes too much.
Frogs
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
Doctors
Doctor: Nurse, I'm ready to see the next patient now. Can you send her in?
Nurse: Sorry, she didn't look very well, so I sent her home.
Shoes
If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
Mother-in-law
I gave my mother-in-law a waterproof, shockproof, anti-magnetic, unbreakable watch. She went and lost it.
Lightbulbs
How many software programmers are required to change a lightbulb?
Two. Someone always leaves in the middle of a project.