A man was strolling down the street, cradling a baby ape in his arms when an acquaintance approached him and inquired about his unusual companion. This ape is a new pet that I purchased. He's going to live with us as a member of the family since we don't have any kids. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.'
'But what about the smell?' the friend asked.
'Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did.'
What do you get if you cross a giant ape with a prisoner?
King Kongvict.
What do you get if you cross a zebra with an ape man?
Tarzan stripes forever.
What tool does an ape use to fix a leaking tap?
A monkey wrench.
Where does a baby ape like to sleep?
In an apricot.
Which large ape is very smelly?
King Pong.
Marriage
'Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.'
Dracula
Did you hear about the man who kept thinking he was Dracula?
He was a right pain in the neck.
Business
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
It's Nana.
It's Nana who?
It's Nana your business.
Dads
This kid said to me, 'My dad can beat your dad up.'
I said to him, 'That's nothing. So can my mum.'
Speaking
'Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?'
Farmers
What do you call a farmer who used to like farm machinery?
An ex-tractor fan.
Pizza
What type of cheese does a dog like on his pizza?
Mutts-arella.
Vacations
I went on vacation last week. What a week it was! It only rained twice—once for three days and once for four.
Scotsmen
How do you know if a Scotsman is left-handed?
He keeps all his money in his right-hand pocket.