This is page 8 of 9. Showing jokes 71 to 80
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns
are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done,
our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally
thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this
initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will
contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our
service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
Bob here. I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're
someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what
can I say?
Hi. I'm probably here, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement
printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money,
or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name,
number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the
Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me
out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and
a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please
wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press
pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If
you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for
extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your
number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle,
press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
This is Judy Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number,
and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a
federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your
touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch
tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone
now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to
work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My
owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get
back to you.
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