Ring...click....(the sound of loud music in the background)...Hello? - I'll be right back while I turn off the stereo (the sound of someone racing to click off the music, which becomes silent). (An individual can be heard sprinting back to their phone.) Okay, I'm sorry about that. Say hello! Who is this...Oh, come on! Oh, really? Well, listen, this is a machine. If you could just leave a message, I'll call you back.
One voice: I was not anticipating an answering machine. Another voice: It is not anticipated that an answering machine will be present. Our primary purpose is to obtain your name and phone number.
Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number. And message. (damn)
Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. And the time you called.
Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. No--no time for that, so just wait for the beep.
(To the tune of 'Heartbreak Hotel')
I just left home baby
I'll be out fer a spell
and if you don't leave a message baby
you can go to
'This is Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?'
(in the voice of John McEnroe, the tennis player)
You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes. You've missed me by AT LEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get anything right? You people make me sick! Leave a message, and I'll call you back! BEEP.
'This is an answering machine,' and it's built to fully utilize all of its many features. Please specify your topic of interest and the reason you called me in the first place. Hold off until the tone begins to sound, then record your message after the beep.
Insults
'I read your new book. Who wrote it for you?'
'Who read it to you?' Politicians
To err is Human. To blame someone else is politics.Marriage
Bigamy: one wife too many
Monogamy is the same thing. One-Liners
All generalizations are false, including this one. Computers
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.Knock Knock
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Howard.
Howard, who?
Howard I know? Change A Light Bulb
How many anglers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been this big! (Gestures with arms.) Five of us were barely enough! Yo Mama
Yo' mama's so stupid, when she was filling out a job application, when she saw 'sign here,' she put 'Scorpio'!