Funny Answering Machine Messages - Page 2 - With 12 More Jokes and Funny Stories

Hi. I'm likely present; I'm simply attempting to avoid someone I dislike. You may leave a message; if I do not return your call, it will be you.

Bob here. I'm just screening my calls. So start talking, and if you're someone I want to speak with, I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

Welcome to the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. We are currently recording and storing your voice patterns for future reference. Once this is accomplished, our computers will be capable of utilizing the sound of your voice for a multitude of unauthorized and unethical activities. Our initial consultation is free of charge. However, our team of experienced individuals will reach out to you soon to provide more information about the advantages of our service and to discuss the payment plan that works best for you. Make sure to enunciate clearly when you hear the sound. Thank you for your message.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our guns right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home, so it's safe to leave us a message.

(Loudly answering the phone.) Hey there, I'm a burglar, and I was just about to snatch Troy's answering machine. Hey, if you're comfortable sharing your name and number, I can totally help you out by putting it on the fridge where he'll be sure to see it. Um... Oh, just out of curiosity, where do you live?

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name, and number, I'll call you back when I am...

You're getting weary. Your lids are becoming droopy. Right now, you're exhausted. Your ability to hold your own and reject advice is progressively eroding. You will be completely powerless to resist leaving your name, phone number, and message when you hear the tone.

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please multiply your number by i and try again.

We apologize for the inconvenience. You've stumbled upon a make-believe number. Could you please turn your phone sideways and give it another shot?

'Hello, you have reached .... If you could kindly provide us with your name, phone number, and a message, we would greatly appreciate it. If your message meets our criteria, we will make sure to get back to you as soon as possible.

'You know what to do at the tone.'

'Hello, I'm not here.'