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Christmas Jokes - Page 2 - With 12 More Jokes and Funny Stories
Here's a compilation of humorous Christmas jokes and stories.
This is page 2 of 22. Showing jokes 13 to 24
The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year, they predicted the year's general luck and overall mood by watching the gnu. A successful, joyous year would happen if the gnu's ears were forward. But an unlucky or unhappy year would surely come if his ears were flat against his head. One year later, it was young Mary's turn to survey the animal and make a prediction. She had never gone alone before and was so excited that she forgot to bring the cage key. Her arrival to check on the gnu was delayed. She saw the incorrect ear position, so to speak, and foresaw a difficult year when, in reality, it was pretty favorable. A year later, the local newspaper ran the headline to clarify the error: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!
As Christmas approached, two little boys went to stay with their grandparents for the night. As they knelt near their beds for nightly prayers, the youngest boy started to pray loudly.
'I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW PLAYSTATION...
I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD PLAYER...'
His older brother leaned down and prodded his younger brother, asking, "Why are you shouting your prayers?" "God is not deaf." The younger brother answered, 'No, but Grandma is!'
'I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW PLAYSTATION...
I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD PLAYER...'
His older brother leaned down and prodded his younger brother, asking, "Why are you shouting your prayers?" "God is not deaf." The younger brother answered, 'No, but Grandma is!'
Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm, and he had heard that the people were friendly. When he arrived in town, people began to point and say, 'Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?' Santa thought, 'Gee, I'll never get any rest if people ask to sit on my lap and try to tell me what they want.' So he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. 'No one will know me now-- I look just like everyone else!' He thought happily. As soon as Santa started walking down the street, people pointed and said, 'Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!' Santa rushed around a corner to hide. 'It's my beard!' he thought. 'They recognize me because of my long white beard!' So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. 'I look like everybody else now!' Santa thought. So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face. Suddenly a man shouted, 'It's him! It's him! Look, everybody!' Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa approached the man and asked, 'How did you recognize me?' The man looked at Santa and said, 'You? I don't know you - but isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you, Rudolph?'
Before Christmas dinner, a 4-year-old boy was invited to bless the meal. Expectantly, the family members lowered their heads. He commenced his prayer, expressing gratitude to God for every one of his friends by name. He praised God for giving him a mother, father, brother, sister, grandmother, grandfather, aunts, and uncles. After that, he thanked God for the food. He thanked them for the turkey, the stuffing, the cranberry sauce, the mince pies, the Christmas cake, and even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone anxiously awaited - and the anticipation grew. The young fellow broke the silence and glanced at his mother, questioning, "If I express gratitude for the broccoli, will God be aware of my insincerity?"
Then he paused, and everyone anxiously awaited - and the anticipation grew. The young fellow broke the silence and glanced at his mother, questioning, "If I express gratitude for the broccoli, will God be aware of my insincerity?"
Once upon a time, a powerful czar in Russia was known as Rudolph the Red. He gazed out the windows of his palace, lost in thought, as his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby, engrossed in her knitting. He turned to her and exclaimed, 'Oh, my dear, it's starting to rain!' She casually responded, 'It's too cold to rain,' without lifting her gaze from her knitting. It seems like it's sleeting. 'I am the Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear,' the Czar stated with a shake of his head.
Santa Claus brings poor Rudolph to the vet. He says to the vet, 'Doctor, please do something for my Rudolph. His nose won't light up.' The vet walks out of the room and returns with a pet carrier. He places the pet carrier next to the reindeer, opens it and out steps a cat. The cat walks around the reindeer and sniffs it. The cat then walks back into the carrier. The animal doctor takes it out of the room and returns. He hands Santa Claus the bill. Santa gasps, 350 dollars! What did you do for my Rudolph that justifies a $350 charge? The vet calmly responded, 'That's the standard fee.' The office visit will cost $50, while the CAT SCAN will be $300.
Santa's New Contract For 2000 A new contract for Santa has been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I can no longer serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now only serve certain Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan areas. Additionally, it's worth noting that I am allotted longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I have full confidence that your children will be well taken care of by your local replacement, who coincidentally is my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His family hails from the South Pole. He and I have a common goal of delivering toys to well-behaved children, but a few distinctions set us apart.
They are as follows:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, 'This sleigh is insured by Smith & Wesson.'
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers children to leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer once, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear 'On Comet, on Cupid...' when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you will hear 'On Earnhardt, Wallace, Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, Jarrett, Elliot and Petty.'
5. 'Ho, Ho, Ho!' has been swapped with 'Yee Haw!' And you might even hear Bubba's elves say, 'I heard dat!'
6. As Southern highway laws require, Bubba Claus' sleigh has Yosemite Sam mud flaps with the words 'Back Off.' The last I heard, it has other decorations as well. One is a Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters, and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as 'Miracle on 34th Street' and 'It's a Wonderful Life' will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead, you will see 'Ernest Saves Christmas' and 'Smoky and the Bandit IV' featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure that you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put the presents under the tree.
9. Don't look for the traditional stocking items this year, either. Instead of chocolates and candy canes, children in the South can expect to find beef jerky, Vienna sausages, and a can of Spam.
10. Bubba Claus's elves will assemble toys in his Freedom Homes doublewide workshop.
11. And finally, lovely Christmas songs such as 'Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer' and 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' will be replaced. 'Bubba Shot the Jukebox' and 'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer' will be played repeatedly on radio stations all over the South.
Sincerely yours, Santa Claus
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I can no longer serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now only serve certain Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan areas. Additionally, it's worth noting that I am allotted longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I have full confidence that your children will be well taken care of by your local replacement, who coincidentally is my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His family hails from the South Pole. He and I have a common goal of delivering toys to well-behaved children, but a few distinctions set us apart.
They are as follows:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, 'This sleigh is insured by Smith & Wesson.'
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers children to leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer once, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear 'On Comet, on Cupid...' when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you will hear 'On Earnhardt, Wallace, Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, Jarrett, Elliot and Petty.'
5. 'Ho, Ho, Ho!' has been swapped with 'Yee Haw!' And you might even hear Bubba's elves say, 'I heard dat!'
6. As Southern highway laws require, Bubba Claus' sleigh has Yosemite Sam mud flaps with the words 'Back Off.' The last I heard, it has other decorations as well. One is a Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters, and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as 'Miracle on 34th Street' and 'It's a Wonderful Life' will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead, you will see 'Ernest Saves Christmas' and 'Smoky and the Bandit IV' featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure that you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put the presents under the tree.
9. Don't look for the traditional stocking items this year, either. Instead of chocolates and candy canes, children in the South can expect to find beef jerky, Vienna sausages, and a can of Spam.
10. Bubba Claus's elves will assemble toys in his Freedom Homes doublewide workshop.
11. And finally, lovely Christmas songs such as 'Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer' and 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' will be replaced. 'Bubba Shot the Jukebox' and 'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer' will be played repeatedly on radio stations all over the South.
Sincerely yours, Santa Claus
What is red and white, and it gives gifts to good little fish at Christmas?
Sandy Claws.
Sandy Claws.
Why does Santa have three gardens?
A. So he can ho-ho-ho.
A. So he can ho-ho-ho.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
Because he had low elf esteem.
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer, and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened, they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
Santa, of course, because the other two don't exist!
Santa, of course, because the other two don't exist!
Never mind the star - get those camels off my lawn!