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British Humour - Page 7 - With 12 More Jokes and Funny Stories
More of our British style of humour
This is page 7 of 23. Showing jokes 73 to 84
The other day, my husband and I purchased our small son a jigsaw to keep him occupied while we went out. Imagine our surprise when, four hours later, we came back to find that he had cut his fingers off!!
If two is company and three is a crowd, what are four and five?
Nine!
Nine!
Once upon a time, there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did for years. He guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. His crew and fellow captains admired him.
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning, he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years, this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long-lost love? Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envelope.
One day, the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it, and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
'Port Left Starboard Right.'
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning, he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years, this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long-lost love? Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envelope.
One day, the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it, and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
'Port Left Starboard Right.'
A commercial traveler was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession.
'Who died?' he asked a nearby local.
'I'm not sure,' replied the local, 'but I think it's the one in the coffin.'
'Who died?' he asked a nearby local.
'I'm not sure,' replied the local, 'but I think it's the one in the coffin.'
I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.
One fine afternoon, an elderly gentleman tries to get into his local betting office. Much to his surprise, the door is locked. After several more attempts at opening the door, a man sticks his head out of a window. It turns out to be the bookmaker himself:
- Sorry, but we're closed today!
The elderly gentleman promptly replies: - But there's a sign on the door saying: Open: 9 - 4, and it's only half past eleven!
to which the bookmaker says: - But those are not the opening hours they are the odds that we're open today.
- Sorry, but we're closed today!
The elderly gentleman promptly replies: - But there's a sign on the door saying: Open: 9 - 4, and it's only half past eleven!
to which the bookmaker says: - But those are not the opening hours they are the odds that we're open today.
A couple of boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of a bush jumped the Game Warden!
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden...
After about a half mile the boy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thigh's to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up with him...
'Lets see yer fishing license, Boy!' the Warden gasped..
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license..
'Well, son,' said the Game Warden, 'You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!'
'Yes Sir,' replied the young feller,' But my friend back there, well, he don't have one.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden...
After about a half mile the boy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thigh's to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up with him...
'Lets see yer fishing license, Boy!' the Warden gasped..
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license..
'Well, son,' said the Game Warden, 'You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!'
'Yes Sir,' replied the young feller,' But my friend back there, well, he don't have one.
A man goes into a fish and chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks, 'Do you sell fish cakes here?'
'No' was the reply.
'Shame, it's his birthday.'
'No' was the reply.
'Shame, it's his birthday.'
One day, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson embarked on a camping trip. Following a satisfying dinner and a full bottle of wine, they laid down to rest for the evening. Several hours passed, and Holmes was roused from his slumber, prompting him to gently awaken his devoted companion. 'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'
Watson replied, 'I see millions and millions of stars.'
'What does that tell you?' Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. 'Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?'
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. 'Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.'
Watson replied, 'I see millions and millions of stars.'
'What does that tell you?' Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. 'Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?'
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. 'Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.'
I knew this eccentric Frenchman who raises carp in the south of France. When the carp are fully grown, he catches them, skins them, and makes men's wallets out of the skins. He is, in fact, a man known for his carp-to-carp-walleting.
Bob had been out diving off the Florida Keys for days looking for sunken treasure, but had had no luck. One day, while wading back onto the beach, he tripped over a chest filled with diamonds, rubies, and emeralds! Bob was heard to say as he carried the chest away, 'Well it just goes to show you that booty is only shin deep!'
A lad of 12 was a dedicated stamp collector until the kid next door bought an album also. 'He buys every stamp I do,' the kid complained to his father, 'and had taken all the fun of it away.'
'Don't be a fool, my boy,' said pop. 'Remember, imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'
'Don't be a fool, my boy,' said pop. 'Remember, imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'