British Humour - Page 7

This woman decides to buy a self-assembly cupboard. Back home, she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes, and the whole cupboard collapses. Not daunted by this, she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, another train passes, and the whole cupboard collapses again. Thinking that she must have done something wrong, she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes, and the whole cupboard collapses yet again. Now, she's finally fed up with this and calls the customer service department. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look. The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes, and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard, says, 'That's a nice-looking cupboard, ' and opens it.
Says the technician: 'You won't believe me, but I'm standing here waiting for a train'.

Once upon a time, there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did for years. He guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. His crew and fellow captains admired him.
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning, he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years, this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long-lost love? Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envelope.
One day, the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it, and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:
'Port Left Starboard Right.'

One fine afternoon, an elderly gentleman tries to get into his local betting office. Much to his surprise, the door is locked. After several more attempts at opening the door, a man sticks his head out of a window. It turns out to be the bookmaker himself:
- Sorry, but we're closed today!
The elderly gentleman promptly replies: - But there's a sign on the door saying: Open: 9 - 4, and it's only half past eleven!
to which the bookmaker says: - But those are not the opening hours they are the odds that we're open today.

One day, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson embarked on a camping trip. Following a satisfying dinner and a full bottle of wine, they laid down to rest for the evening. Several hours passed, and Holmes was roused from his slumber, prompting him to gently awaken his devoted companion. 'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'
Watson replied, 'I see millions and millions of stars.'
'What does that tell you?' Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. 'Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?'
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. 'Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.'