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British Humour - Page 3 - With 12 More Jokes and Funny Stories

More of our British style of humour

This is page 3 of 22. Showing jokes 25 to 36

Did you hear about the 2 men from the monastery who opened up a fast-food seafood restaurant?
One was the fish friar, and the other was the chip monk.
What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
Linoleum blown apart.
There was a man who painted rabbits all over his bald head.
Claimed they looked like hares from a distance.
Definition of a 'commentator' - an average potato.
And why couldn't the loutish baseball umpire have his little boy sit in his lap?
Because the son never sits on the brutish umpire.
What's that up the road? A head?
Why do they lock petrol station toilets?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is there only one monopolies commission?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Traffic policeman: 'Didn't you hear me shout to you to pull over?'
Motorist: 'I'm awfully sorry. I thought you said 'Good morning, Chief Constable.' '
Traffic policeman: 'That's all right, sir. I just wanted to warn you that the traffic's pretty bad up ahead.'
THE PERKS OF BEING 50+
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

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