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British Humour - Page 21 - With 12 More Jokes and Funny Stories
More of our British style of humour
This is page 21 of 22. Showing jokes 241 to 252
I'm going to Bury St Edmunds today.
Why? Is he dead?
Why? Is he dead?
Yesterday, a funeral service was held for a local dairy farmer. After the church service there was a creamation.
Mary fell in love with a cricketer. You could say that she was completely bowled over by him.
Why did the baby biscuit start to cry?
Because his mother had been a wafer such a long time.
Because his mother had been a wafer such a long time.
Old Jimmy had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, close to death. The family called their local vicar to stand with them. As the vicar stood next to the bed, Old Jimmy's condition appeared to deteriorate quickly and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The vicar handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Old Jimmy used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The vicar thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the eulogy, he realised he was wearing the same jacket that he had on the day Old Jimmy died. He said to the mourners: "You know, Old Jimmy handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Jimmy, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read: "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
He opened the note, and read: "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
"Why are you so angry?"
"Because it's all the rage."
"Because it's all the rage."
Tourist: Is this Piccadilly Circus?
Policeman: Yes it is.
Tourist: What time does it start?
Policeman: Yes it is.
Tourist: What time does it start?
An expedition was hopelessly lost in the jungle. All of a sudden the native guide stopped and said, "Compass here, compass here, compass here." The leader of the expedition said, "I'm sorry old chap, but we don't have a compass here."
The guide said, "no you don't understand. We've come past here three times already this afternoon."
The guide said, "no you don't understand. We've come past here three times already this afternoon."
A man in jail for a robbery was visited by his wife. "This is the time of year I'd be planting potatoes in the back garden," he said. "Well, I have no time to dig up the garden," replied his wife. "Don't you worry about that," he said. All you'll have to do is plant them just wait and see." After she had gone, he wrote her a letter: "Dear Mary, There is some stuff buried in the back garden that should be passed on to the boys. Can you see to it for me?
Love, Michael."
The following day, a group of policemen descended on the back garden with spades, dug it all over, found nothing, and went away. The day after that, she planted the potatoes.
Love, Michael."
The following day, a group of policemen descended on the back garden with spades, dug it all over, found nothing, and went away. The day after that, she planted the potatoes.
What do you call a man who steals windscreens from cars?
A windscreen swiper.
A windscreen swiper.
Why did Karl Marx drink instant tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
Because all proper tea is theft.
Once upon a time, a man found a strange bird in the woods. He took it home and fed it well, but it grew too big for the house. Soon, it grew too large for the yard, so he took it to the highest mountain he could find, and threw it off. When asked why he took it so far, he said, "It's a long, long way to tip a rarey."