British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories - Page 19

Acoustic: Instrument used in billiards!

"Who was that lady I seen you with last night?"
"You mean 'I saw.'"
"Ok, who was that eyesore I seen you with last night?"

Customer: I'd like a pair of stockings for my wife.
Storekeeper: Sheer?
Customer: No, she's at home.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About half way.

What did they say to King Harold at the battle of Hastings?
Cor! Get an eyeful of those arrows!

What do spotty people go riding in?
Acne carriages.

What did they say to Julius Caesar When he went into a pub?
'Ale, Caesar?'

What is vicious, Victorian and lives at the bottom of the sea?
Jack the Kipper.

My brother said, 'You'd better know from the start that my favourite food is trash and onions.'
The girl said, 'Tripe.'
He said, 'Don't start arguing before we're married.'

There was me and my brother, in this cottage in the country, all on our own in the dead of night. My brother said, 'What was that noise? I thought I heard an owl.'
I said, 'You probably did. I stepped on the dog's paw.'