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British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories - Page 16

More of our British style of humour

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British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!" Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being a paranoid pessamist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him! In a daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him!
What is the moral of this story? Better Nate than lever!
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
A man went into a pet store and said to the owner, I'd like to buy a pet that is out of the ordinary - unusual.
The pet shop owner replied, well,I have one Rairy-bird left...
The man said, I've never even heard of a Rairy-bird, that certainly makes it unusual!, I'll take it!
So the man brought home his new Rairy-bird and soon found out that it had a huge appetite! It was always hungry!! Finally,the Rairy-bird was so big and fat that it wouldn't fit inside the house anymore, much less the cage! The man said to himself: I've got to get rid of this animal-I can't afford to feed it! So he rented a huge dump truck, put the Rairy-bird into the back, and drove to the edge of a high cliff. He then dumped the Rairy-bird out of the truck and over the cliff!! Thinking that all his troubles were over, the man was driving home when he suddenly heard this singing coming from the back of the dump- truck:
"It's a long long way to tip-a-Rairy!!
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
....Then there was the hopeless case that Sherlock Holmes solved through the use of brilliant deduction....
Watson asks, " Tell me dear Sherlock, what school did you last attend?"
"Elementary my dear Watson, Elementary."
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
A British colonel was walking down the street in London when he saw a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in the gutter playing a mouth organ. A sign beside the guy read, Victim of Falklands War."
"Bloody disgraceful, what," said the colonel, "the way the country treats its veterans!" So saying, he pulled out his wallet, peels off two fifty pound notes and dropped them in the guy's hat. The guy looked up and says, "Mucho gracias, senor."
Submitted by: Freddy
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
A woman gets on bus and immediately becomes involved in an argument with driver after he calls her baby ugly, she pays her fare and storms off to get a seat when a man asks "What's the matter, love?" "It's that bloody driver, I've never been so insulted in all my life" she replies.
"Ok" says the man "You go down there and sort him out and I'll look after the monkey!".
Submitted by: Stevan Hogg
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling,
"You sign, you sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts to yell louder.
"You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Get lost!" and shuts the door in the Japanese man's face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting:
"Look, get lost!! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the door in the Japanese man's face again.
The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO large trucks full of wing mirrors.
Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Japanese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, And says:
"You not Nissan Maindealer?"
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
A very large car screeched to a halt in the middle of a Warwickshire village. The driver removed his cigar and called out to a local farmer, 'Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's birthplace?'
'Straight ahead, sir,' said the farmer. 'But there b'aint no need to 'urry. He's dead!'
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into  the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national  weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't  remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Submitted by: Stevan Hogg
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
Traffic policeman: 'Didn't you hear me shout to you to pull over?'
Motorist: 'I'm awfully sorry. I thought you said "Good morning, Chief Constable." '
Traffic policeman: 'That's all right, sir. I just wanted to warn you that the traffic's pretty bad up ahead.'

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