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British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories - Page 16

More of our British style of humour

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British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. "thirteen thirteen thirteen!" goes the noise from the mental hospital wards.
The mans curiosity gets the better of him, and he searches for a hole in the security fence. Its not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.
Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues "fourteen fourteen fourteen!"
Submitted by: Stevan Hogg
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
Jose and Hose B
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
A man was passing a country estate and saw a sign on the gate. It read: "Please ring bell for the caretaker." He rang the bell and an old man appeared.
"Are you the caretaker?" the fellow asked.
"Yes, I am," replied the old man. "What do you want?"
"I'd just like to know why you can't ring the bell yourself."
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
Two men went into a pub, ordered two beers, took some sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner. The two men stopped, looked at each other and then swapped their sandwiches.
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!" Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being a paranoid pessamist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him! In a daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him!
What is the moral of this story? Better Nate than lever!
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
A man went into a pet store and said to the owner, I'd like to buy a pet that is out of the ordinary - unusual.
The pet shop owner replied, well,I have one Rairy-bird left...
The man said, I've never even heard of a Rairy-bird, that certainly makes it unusual!, I'll take it!
So the man brought home his new Rairy-bird and soon found out that it had a huge appetite! It was always hungry!! Finally,the Rairy-bird was so big and fat that it wouldn't fit inside the house anymore, much less the cage! The man said to himself: I've got to get rid of this animal-I can't afford to feed it! So he rented a huge dump truck, put the Rairy-bird into the back, and drove to the edge of a high cliff. He then dumped the Rairy-bird out of the truck and over the cliff!! Thinking that all his troubles were over, the man was driving home when he suddenly heard this singing coming from the back of the dump- truck:
"It's a long long way to tip-a-Rairy!!
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
....Then there was the hopeless case that Sherlock Holmes solved through the use of brilliant deduction....
Watson asks, " Tell me dear Sherlock, what school did you last attend?"
"Elementary my dear Watson, Elementary."
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
A British colonel was walking down the street in London when he saw a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in the gutter playing a mouth organ. A sign beside the guy read, Victim of Falklands War."
"Bloody disgraceful, what," said the colonel, "the way the country treats its veterans!" So saying, he pulled out his wallet, peels off two fifty pound notes and dropped them in the guy's hat. The guy looked up and says, "Mucho gracias, senor."
Submitted by: Freddy
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
A woman gets on bus and immediately becomes involved in an argument with driver after he calls her baby ugly, she pays her fare and storms off to get a seat when a man asks "What's the matter, love?" "It's that bloody driver, I've never been so insulted in all my life" she replies.
"Ok" says the man "You go down there and sort him out and I'll look after the monkey!".
Submitted by: Stevan Hogg
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling,
"You sign, you sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Japanese man starts to yell louder.
"You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Get lost!" and shuts the door in the Japanese man's face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Japanese man back, shouting:
"Look, get lost!! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the door in the Japanese man's face again.
The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Japanese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO large trucks full of wing mirrors.
Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong man! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Japanese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, And says:
"You not Nissan Maindealer?"

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