Did you hear about the idiot who thought Hamlet was an omelet served with bacon?
Fred goes into a hotel and says to the receptionist, 'I'd like a room, please.'
Receptionist: 'Single, Sir?'
Fred: 'Yes, but I am engaged.'
Why did King Arthur have a round table?
So no one could corner him.
My sister fell in love with a famous cricket player.
She was completely bowled over by him.
Why is 5 o'clock in the morning a bit like a pig's tail?
Because it's twirly!
Dave: Did you hear that Fred has got a job at the bowling alley?
Joe: What tenpin?
Dave: No, it's a permanent job.
Why is it a bad idea to iron a four-leaf clover?
Because you should never press your luck.
Did you hear that the police have put out a warning to house owners about a gang of men who recently failed in their attempt to steal the tiles from the roof of a local house?
The police said they were roofless criminals.
Last night, I got into a taxi and said to the driver, 'Robin Hood's Close.'
He said, 'Don't worry, I'm sure that I can lose him at the next set of traffic lights.'
What do you call the people who are made of rubber and stand at the entrance to a nightclub?
Bouncers.
Why was the dog unable to talk?
The cat got his tongue.
What does a shark like to eat for lunch?
Fish and ships!