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British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories - Page 13


More of our British style of humour

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British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
This woman decides to buy a self-assembly cupboard. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Not daunted by this she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again. Thinking that she must have done *something* wrong she re-re-reads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again. Now, she's finally fed up with this and calls the customer service deparment. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look. The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it.
Says the technician: "You won't believe me, but I'm standing here waiting for a train".
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
The Three Bears returned one sunny sunday morning from a stroll in the woods to find the door of their little house open. Cautiously, they went inside. After a while, big Daddy Bear's deep voice boomed out, "Someone's been eating MY porridge!" Mummy Bear gave a yelp, "Someone's been eating MY porridge!", she said. Little Baby Bear rushed in, "Forget the porridge - someone's nicked the DVD player!"
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
A man goes into a pet shop and walks up to the counter.
"Yes, sir, can I help you ?" asks the assistant.
"I'd like a wasp, please", said the man.
"You'd like a WHAT, sir ?" asks the assistant, looking puzzled.
"I'd like a WASP, please", he repeats.
"I'm sorry sir we don't sell wasps in here."
"Well, there's one in the window ..."
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
Johnny wanted to look suave for the local dance so he slipped into the local barber shop. "I want a Tony Curtis haircut." So Taffy started trimming around the back with the clippers. Then he started going higher and higher with them till Johnny started to get a bit worried. But like most barbers, this one had verbal diarrhea, and was yapping non stop about movies and movie stars. "Yeah, I like Tony Curtis too." as he trimmed up and over Johnny's ears. "Wasn't he great in 'The King and I'?"
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
In the mid-sixties, there was a hippy named Benny in San Francisco. Benny was real hip, but he just couldn't grow a beard like the rest of the flower child guys in Haight-Ashbury (Hashbury). One day Benny met up with a Gypsy Lady who liked him enough to grant him a wish, so, naturally, Benny wished for a beard. Gypsy Lady granted the wish but warned Benny to ALWAYS wear the beard, never cut it off. Well, the years went by, the flower children aged, the hippoy movement sorta died out, Benny went on to a career as a successful financial adviser. Benny decided the beard no longer fit his image so, ignoring the Gypsy Lady's warnings, he shaved it off. **POOF** Benny disintegrated into a pile of ashes, the janitor swept him up and deposited him in a jar.
Moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
Submitted by: Bill
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
An English tourist is on holiday in a Cornish village when he spots what is obviously the village idiot sitting next to the horse trough. In his hand is an old stick, and tied to the end is a piece of string which is dangling in the water. The tourist decides to humour the fellow and asks: "Have you caught anything yet?" The village idiot looks up and studies the stranger, before saying: "Aye, you be the seventh today."
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
How do you make a sausage roll?
Push it.
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
Guy Fawkes was the sanest man who ever went into the Houses of Parliament - and look what happened to him.

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