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British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories - Page 12

More of our British style of humour

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British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop! Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that...
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
Two packets of crisps were walking along the road. A passing car stopped and the driver asked if they would like a lift.
"No thanks," said the crisps, "we're Walkers.
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
A lad of 12 was a dedicated stamp collector until the kid next door bought an album also. "He buys every stamp I do," the kid complained to his father, "and had taken all the fun of it away."
"Don't be a fool, my boy," said pop. "Remember, imitation is the sincerest form of philately."
Submitted by: Brian
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
Bob had been out diving off the Florida Keys for days looking for sunken treasure, but had had no luck. One day, while wading back onto the beach, he tripped over a chest filled with diamonds, rubies, and emeralds! Bob was heard to say as he carried the chest away, "Well it just goes to show you that booty is only shin deep!"
Submitted by: Brian
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
I knew this eccentric Frenchman who raises carp in the south of France. When the carp are full grown, he catches them, skins them, and makes men's wallets out of the skins. He is, in fact, a man known for his carp to carp walleting.
Submitted by: Brian
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
A man goes into a fish n chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?'
'No' was the reply.
'Shame, it's his birthday.'
Submitted by: Stevan Hogg
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
A couple of boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden!
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden...
After about a half mile the boy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thigh's to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up with him...
"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy!" the Warden gasped..
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license..
"Well, son", said the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes Sir", replied the young feller," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
One fine afternoon an elderly gentleman tries to get into his local betting office. Much to his surprise, the door is locked. After a few more futile attempts at opening the door a man sticks his head out of a window. It turns out to be the bookmaker himself :
- Sorry, but we're closed today!
The elderly gentleman promptly replies: - But there's a sign on the door saying : Open : 9 - 4, and it's only half past eleven!
to which the bookmaker says: - But those are not the opening hours they are the odds that we're open today.
British Humour - Jokes and Funny Stories
I think we're in for a bad spell of wether.

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