American Humor - Jokes and Funny Stories - Page 5

"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"

You know you're a redneck if:
Your Truck has curtains, but your house doesn't.
Your porch collapses, and it kills more than seven dogs.
Every car you've ever owned is in your backyard.

You know you're in a small town when ...
... You dial a wrong number and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
... You are run off Main Street by a combine.
... You can't walk for exercise every car that passes offers you a ride.
... You don't use your turn signal because everyone knows where you are going.
... You get married and the local newspaper devotes a quarter page to the story.
... You drive into a ditch five miles out of town and the word gets back to town before you do.
... The biggest business in town sells farm machinery.
... You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
... The pickups on Main Street outnumber the cars 3 to 1.
... You miss a Sunday at church and receive getwell cards.
... Someone asks you how you are, and actually wants to know.

Q: Why did the New Yorker cross the road?
A: What's it to you??!!!!!!!!!!!?

President Bush falls into a coma and awakes 3 years later. His advisors explain he has been in a coma for 3 years, and Quayle took over. Bush asks how Quayle is doing, and his advisors say, ok but inflation is a bit high. Bush says, well I remember stamps were 25 cents, how much do they cost now?
His advisor says 500 yen.

Don't ignore the panhandler who asks you for a dime for a cup of coffee. Give it to him. Then follow him and find out where they still sell coffee for a dime.

A salesman is assigned a new route that takes him into Texas for the first time. After reaching his first stop in Texas, it was late so he checked into a motel. And went to it's restaurant for diner. He ordered a small beer. The waitress brought him a huge mug.
"Waitress" he said," I ordered a small beer." She said," this is Texas, in Texas this is a small beer." Then he ordered a petite steak and the waitress brought him a two inch thick stake so big the sides of it were hanging off the edge of the pater.
"Waitress, I ordered a petite stake"
She told him that in Texas that was a petite stake. After a while all that beer was getting to him, so he asked the waitress where the rest room was. She told him to go down the hall two doors and turn to the *RIGHT*. He staggered down the hall two doors, turned *LEFT*, and walked into the hotel swimming pool. As he bobbed to the surface, he screamed,
"DON'T FLUSH IT!"

A guy in a restaurant says to the waitress "I want a cup of coffee without cream." The waitress comes back a few minutes later and says "I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?"

Some small-time crooks decided that people were so stupid that they would accept 18 dollar bills if somebody gave then any. So they carefully made some plates and printed some up, and went to a small town to try them out. They got up to a shopkeeper and talked for awhile, then casually said "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill?" "Sure" said the old shopkeeper. "What would you like, three 6's or two 9's?"

"You should be ashamed," the father told his son, "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school."
"Really?" the kid said. "Well when he was your age, he was president."