An elderly couple tragically lost their lives in an accident and were being guided on a heavenly tour by Saint Peter. This is your beachfront condo; the tennis courts, pool, and two golf courses are located over there. If you require any refreshments, feel free to visit any of the conveniently situated bars.
'Oh, Gloria,' the old man whispered when Saint Peter walked away, 'we could have arrived here ten years earlier if you hadn't insisted on all those oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!'

A man in his forties purchased a new BMW and was on the interstate for an evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was sweeping through what was left of his hair, and he decided to see how fast she could go.
After accelerating to 80 mph, he spotted flashing red and blue lights behind him.
He opened her up even more, thinking to himself, "There's no way they can catch a BMW." The speedometer reached 90, 100, and suddenly, he realized how serious things were. The man wondered to himself, "What on earth am I doing?" and decided to stop.
The cop approached him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.
'It has been a tiring day.' It's the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like doing any more paperwork, so if you can give me an original excuse for why you were speeding, you can leave.
After giving it some thought, the man replies, "My wife ran off with a cop last week." I thought you could be attempting to return her.
'Have a nice weekend,' said the officer.
Emily Sue had tragically passed away, and Billy-Bob promptly called 911. The 911 Operator assured Billy-Bob that immediate assistance was on its way.
'Where do you live?' asked the operator.
Billy-Bob replied, 'At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.'
The operator asked, 'Can you spell that for me?'
There was a long pause, and finally Billy-Bob said, 'How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?'

Every year, Fred and his wife Edna would eagerly make their way to the state fair. Every year, Fred would excitedly tell Edna, "Hey Edna, I really want to go for a ride in that airplane!" She would tell Fred every year, "I know Fred, but that plane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
When Fred and Edna went to the fair last year, Fred said, 'Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride the plane this year, I might never get another chance. 'Fred, the cost of that airplane ride is ten dollars,' Edna said. 'And ten dollars is ten dollars.'
The pilot heard them and said, "Hey, I'll make you a deal." I will give you both a ride. If you can remain silent throughout the ride and not say anything, I will not charge you; however, if you say anything, you will be charged ten bucks.
Fred and Edna agreed, and up they went. The pilot performs a variety of twists and turns, rolls and dives, yet not a single sound is uttered. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land, and the pilot turns to Fred, 'By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.'
Fred replied, 'Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars.'
An illegal alien was apprehended while hiding in bushes by a US Border Patrol Agent near the border fence. He pulls him out and says, 'Sorry, but you know the law; you must go back across the border immediately.' The Mexican man pleads with him, 'No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de U.S.A.! Pleeeze!'
Thinking, "I'm going to make it hard for him," the border patrol agent offers the following condition: "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence."
The Mexican man, of course, agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, 'The three words are green, pink, and yellow. Now use them in one sentence.'
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, 'Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green I pink it up, and sez yellow?'
You totaled your car and can't remember why. It could have been the case of Bud Dry.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought Fleetwood Mac was a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo momma's so ugly, she gives Freddy Krueger nightmares!
She was just a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
No, Scotty. I said, 'Beam me ABOARD.' Not 'A BROAD'
Yo momma is so fat she can sit on a dollar and make change.