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American Humor - Page 2 - With 12 More Jokes and Funny Stories
Here is our collection of American jokes and funny stories that we hope will make you laugh.
This is page 2 of 6. Showing jokes 13 to 24
Surprise! You are the lucky winner of a random IRS Audit! Simply type in your name and social security number.
Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law:
Always remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people who weren't smart enough to avoid jury duty!
A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker were walking down a street. A reporter approached them and said, 'Excuse me, but what is your opinion about the current meat shortage?'
The Saudi says, 'Excuse me, what's a shortage?'
The Russian says, 'Excuse me, what's meat?'
The North Korean says, 'Excuse me, what's an opinion?'
The New Yorker says, 'Excuse me?? What's excuse me?'
The Saudi says, 'Excuse me, what's a shortage?'
The Russian says, 'Excuse me, what's meat?'
The North Korean says, 'Excuse me, what's an opinion?'
The New Yorker says, 'Excuse me?? What's excuse me?'
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great-uncle fought for the West!
A poor guy walks up to a rich man's house. He is really down on his luck and desperately needs some money. He rings the doorbell.
'Hi there, I'm down on my luck, need some money, and I was wondering if you have any work I could do for you?'
The rich Guy decides to give him a break and says:
'Sure, my porch needs painting. I'll pay you 50 dollars to do it for me.' 'Sure thing, Mister, I'll get started right away!'
Time passes, until...
'Hey Mister, I'm all done painting!'
'Well, here's your 50 dollars'
'Thanks, and by the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche.'
'Hi there, I'm down on my luck, need some money, and I was wondering if you have any work I could do for you?'
The rich Guy decides to give him a break and says:
'Sure, my porch needs painting. I'll pay you 50 dollars to do it for me.' 'Sure thing, Mister, I'll get started right away!'
Time passes, until...
'Hey Mister, I'm all done painting!'
'Well, here's your 50 dollars'
'Thanks, and by the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche.'
A cowboy rides into town hitches up his horse and walks into a bar. He goes up, gets a beer, drinks it, and walks out. Half a second passes, and he bursts back into the bar and says, 'ALRIGHT WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERS PAINTED MY HORSE'S FACE YELLOW?'. A huge man-mountain stands up, looks down at the cowboy, and says, 'I DID.' The cowboy looks up at him and whispers, 'The first coat's dry.'
A cowboy rides into town, enters a saloon, has a beer, and then walks outside to find his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the saloon and fires his gun into the ceiling. 'SO WHICH ONE OF YOU MOTHERS WENT AND STOLE MY HOSS?' he yells. No-one answers. 'ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS. ' He gets another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back, so he gets on it to ride out of town. The bartender steps out of the bar and inquires, 'Say partner, what happened in Texas?'
The cowboy turns to him and says, 'I had to walk all the way home…'
The cowboy turns to him and says, 'I had to walk all the way home…'
Little old lady at U.S. immigration.
OFFICIAL: Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or subversion?
(Pause for thought)
LITTLE OLD LADY: Violence, I think.
OFFICIAL: Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or subversion?
(Pause for thought)
LITTLE OLD LADY: Violence, I think.
A guy was lost on the Mall near the Washington Monument. He stopped a policeman and asked, 'Can you tell me what side the State Dept is on?'
The cop answered: 'Ours, I hope.'
The cop answered: 'Ours, I hope.'
World War III. The U.S.A. has succeeded in building a fantastic computer that is able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. The military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine. They describe the situation to the computer and then ask it:
'Shall we attack? Shall we retreat?'
The computer computes for an hour and then comes up with the answer.
'Yes!'
The generals, rather stunned, look at each other. Finally, one of them asks the computer:
'Yes, what?'
After another fifteen minutes, the computer replies:
'Yes, Sir!'
'Shall we attack? Shall we retreat?'
The computer computes for an hour and then comes up with the answer.
'Yes!'
The generals, rather stunned, look at each other. Finally, one of them asks the computer:
'Yes, what?'
After another fifteen minutes, the computer replies:
'Yes, Sir!'
The phone rings at the FBI headquarters. 'Hello?'
'Hi, is this the FBI?'
'Yes. What do you want?
I'm phoning to report my neighbor, Tom. He's hiding drugs in his firewood.
'It will be investigated.'
The next day, the FBI arrives at Tom's house. They examine the firewood shed, breaking every piece of wood, finding no drugs, swearing at Tom, and leaving.
The phone rings at Tom's place. Hey, Tom! Did the FBI arrive? 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yes, they did.' It's now your turn to make the call. My garden needs to be plowed.'
'Hi, is this the FBI?'
'Yes. What do you want?
I'm phoning to report my neighbor, Tom. He's hiding drugs in his firewood.
'It will be investigated.'
The next day, the FBI arrives at Tom's house. They examine the firewood shed, breaking every piece of wood, finding no drugs, swearing at Tom, and leaving.
The phone rings at Tom's place. Hey, Tom! Did the FBI arrive? 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop your firewood?' 'Yes, they did.' It's now your turn to make the call. My garden needs to be plowed.'
A driver who was speeding down Main Street in a small town was pulled over by a policeman. The man started, "But officer, I can explain."
The cop yelled, "Just be quiet." "I'm going to send you to jail to cool your heels until the chief returns."
'But, officer, I just wanted to say...'
'And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!'
After a few hours, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, 'It's lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He is sure to be in a good mood when he gets back.'
'I wouldn't count on that,' replied the fellow in the cell. 'I'm the groom.'
The cop yelled, "Just be quiet." "I'm going to send you to jail to cool your heels until the chief returns."
'But, officer, I just wanted to say...'
'And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!'
After a few hours, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, 'It's lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He is sure to be in a good mood when he gets back.'
'I wouldn't count on that,' replied the fellow in the cell. 'I'm the groom.'